How I wish people could hear me talk about them when they're not there ...

How I've always wished that. Because as awkward as I may be in your presence, and how tactless my efforts at compliments may come across, I am REALLY good at complimenting people when they are not in front of me to make me feel nervous/intimidated/awkward/self-conscious ...

I was at the thirty-year anniversary for my undergraduate program this weekend, and I started talking with a girl that interviewed with Amie to work at LCT the past couple of years. Amie and I have talked about this girl, and I know that Amie loves her, so I try to motivate her to keep pursuing her relationship with the theatre.

Anyway, I was in heaven talking to this girl, who happens to metacognate in spirals more naturally than any non-graduate student I think I've ever met. She's in the beautifully vulnerable and simultaneously exciting point in her life where she wants to do a million different things. As I was talking with her, these were some of the things that came up:

• "No, Amie would love to talk with you even if she doesn't work at LCT anymore. She's awesome like that."
• "Amie would LOVE to hear you talking this way. She's such a go-getter, and it's awesome that you're the same way."
• "I know, doesn't everyone at LCT love each other so much? At first I was a little weirded out when everything Amie said was so 'warm and fuzzy,' because I was so not like that, but she's softened me up so much, and I really needed that."
• "You want to work in London? Well, Amie's done that too! You need to keep in touch with her -- she is a great connection to have."

I left the conversation feeling rejuvenated and ready to hop on a plane with Cicely, pick Amie up, and then hop on another plane to Scotland so that we could all be together again. I realized I am luckyluckyluckyluckyLUCKY to know so many amazing people. Because had community-based work come up, I would have bragged just as much on Cicely. Had international connections come up, you know I would have bragged on Amanda!

Point is, you girls are sensational. As much as I suck at blogging, facebooking, calling, writing, and all things based in keeping in touch, know that this is not a November, turkey-induced thankfulness that I am feeling. I feel thankful for each one of you each and every day.

A few points for mid-November

Since I last posted:

• I found a renewed sense of that school-work-pressing-deadlines urgency, so I've made substantial thesis progress.
• Just as I feel GREAT about making so much progress, I feel a crushing pessimism surrounding the mountains of research and writing I still have to conquer.
• I miss having Amie and Amanda tell me to STOP researching and START writing... Last night I digitally sifted through over 50 downloaded articles for my next chapter.
  
• I love my job. I want to keep working there.
  
• I question myself in my job almost everyday. When I do mostly teaching, I wish I was doing more admin. When I'm not teaching, I feel like I should be.
  
• I've been reading about youth and digital media, and felt inspired by this Edutopia's articles about digital storytelling and defeated by the NEA Mark Bauerlein's website, The Dumbest Generation. Check them out.
• In the third year, we wear three hats: life, work, thesis... I only feel successful at these 1 at a time. Clean house = no work, no writing. Work hard = live in filth and sleep instead of write... Write all day = eat fast food and forget to shower... You get the picture.
  
• Amie, update us soon.
  
• Liz, update us soon.
  
• I miss you loads.
• That's all for now.

Better...Much Better

Big, humongous thank you to every single person who sent me comments and messages and emails following my last blog. Since then, I had to say goodbye to Peni too. But this time I allowed myself to cry...with people. It made all the difference in the world. I had really worked myself into a rough place, but with the support (albeit long distance in most cases) of my wonderful friends and family I am pulling through to grab the remainder of this experience for all I can get! I even have antlers in the mail thanks to Amie!!!! (pictures to follow when I get them)

The past couple weeks have been full of big, fun changes and amazing-ness! I have officially extended my stay in Glasgow. I will now remain to see "Zorro" open in Edinburgh on December 5, then fly to Orlando on December 6. While my Glasgow to Edinburgh commute will be slightly insane and probably wear on me more than I-4 during rush hour, I'm going to make the most of my train ride with dedicated thesis time! More than 2 hours a day with nothing better to do than write sounds exactly like what I need. I'm also interested to see what the production will become. We had some fun playing around during the development sessions, so I can't wait to work full through the opening of the production! I think I would have felt unfulfilled if I had left as originally planned, 2 weeks into rehearsal.

I am also working on a collaboration project with Visible Fictions and The Rose in Omaha (where I will be working once I complete my thesis). As with all huge undertakings, I go through waves of thinking that we're positively brilliant and absolutely insane! A few hours ago I was fully in the "insane" camp, but now I'm leaning brilliant with hints of insanity. We'll see how I feel in the morning. Usually a good night's sleep and a good deep breath will completely change my perspective. Now I just need to keep the insanity to a minimum and concentrate on how unbelievably brilliant we are and how our spectacular project will change the world!!! At the very least it will change mine :)

Liz's show, the full moon, and some other thoughts...

Early this week, the full moon passed its normalcy-throwing energy over our students and myself. This monthly event requires extended patience in the classroom and stone cold willpower on my part to refrain from the steady stream of tears that erupt at even a television drama. To some degree, perhaps, the moon contributed the events that changed the staff composition in my residency this week. Without placing public judgment on the restructuring of our team, I feel comfortable and positive moving the program forward.

Two things of interest struck me deeply during the course of this week. In our first full staff, post restructuring meeting, my colleague, Meredith Hoppe, said to our administrator that she has learned a great deal about education from me. I smiled, and the conversation continued on its contextual path, but a light feeling lingered with me all day. How could it be that I had taught something to this person I so admired? Later in the week, Lucy Bryson and I went to see Elizabeth’s show, Metamorphoses. My hypersensitive moon cycle affected brain triggered tears to well as Elizabeth, my friend, Liz, spoke as Mrs. Horn to a theatre house full of parents and administrators. She spoke with an ease and confidence that I knew she had but that I had never witnessed in this sort of context. We traveled through 2 years of studies together. We competed, fought, cried, and held hands through entire days of classes. In our course studies, I spent my time reflecting on how I had grown during those 2 years, but seeing Liz speak in front of that high-stakes audience, I realized just how far she’s come, too. As Lucy and I watched the show, I grew more and more proud of my relationship with Liz and the journey we shared together. Liz’s first show as a public school teacher showcased the sophistication, intellectualism, succinctness, physical beauty, and stylistic bravery that she embodies as a person. In the 90 minutes Lucy and I enjoyed the play, the gravity of how much I continue to learn from Liz overwhelmed me.

Meredith’s passing remark and my hypersensitivity during Liz’s joyful success lead me to acknowledge that it is easy to say, “I learned from this experience,” but knowing the exact power of a peer in your life is a profound sorta thing. These experiences remind me to share with the people I love what I’ve learned from them.

For those of you far away and unable to see Liz’s show: she rocks. The parent and administrator support of her theatre amazed and warmed Lucy and I. Her facility is gorgeous. Her students were professional, talented, hard working, and clearly enjoying themselves. For each moment of controversial language or content, Liz and her students clearly approached with care, understanding, and uncompromising artistic integrity. I can’t wait to see what they do next.

Liz, Lucy, and I went out for wings and such after the show, and it was like reuniting with a friend from far away. We live not 15 minutes from each other, but our lives are so different right now we can’t seem to connect regularly. I can’t imagine being so far away from friends and family as Amie and Amanda, but the 3^rd year reclusive solitude remains true for those of us next door to each other, too.

Greetings from a Chilly St.Louis

I realize that it has taken me too long to do this...but that kind of exemplifies the past month. I have been at Metro Theater Company for one month now and it has been quite the adventure. Major points to include....

* A five week residency at Steger 6th Grade Center, yes that is am entire school of sixth grader and it is the BEST idea avery...I am in love with their school. Our residency is designed to develop community within the 350 students who have come from 7 different elementary schools in the Clayton School District. We are there for 5 weeks and tomorrow is our last day together. Last year they all participated in a 5th grade residency that focused on the triangle of intolerance and Bullying.

* I have been creating a super fun found puppetry unit for and after school residency for first and second graders.

* I have also been creating an improv unit based on the book If... by Sarah Perry ( GET IT IMMEDIATELY) for 2 3rd -5th grade after school residencies.

* We are planning for our new works incubator ( with Jose Cruz Gonzales....EKKKK )

On a not so great side....

* I broke my foot. Stepping down one step. I broke my fifth metatarsal ( the farthest outside bone in your foot) on my left foot.

* My car got broken into...BOO

* I have absolutely no desire to write my thesis.

I know this isn't cleverly written but I has been a really rough week and there are lots of lessons to write tonight....

I hope that you all are doing well and learning lots! I miss you like crazy!

Hey -- I figured out how to post as myself!

So today I stopped at least twice to look up from my notes and enjoy the show.

Did I mention that I haven't been slept, shaved, or eaten anything other than Lean Cuisine and mac and cheese in the past four weeks? This is why:



It's this weekend at Timber Creek High School, Friday at 7:00, Saturday at 3:00 and 7:00, and Sunday at 3:00. This kind of feels like a shameless plug, but I kinda feel like this blog is about our new journeys, and this is a pretty big part of it.

I'm REALLY excited about this one. It's been a challenge, and possibly the stupidest/riskiest show that I could choose for my first show in this new job, but I don't care. I'm really excited. :)

I could really use some reindeer antlers...

Because no one can feel icky when they're wearing reindeer antlers (it's a proven scientific fact, just ask Amie).

We'll say--hypothetically, of course--that you decide to move to another country to round off your grad school experience. You plan for all sorts of fun and the occasional road block. However, you never plan on losing two wonderful, beautiful and all-around amazing friends to their battles with cancer in the short time you are gone. How do you deal with this? Well, if you're Amanda Kibler (still totally hypothetical, right?) you apparently shut yourself off for the first month of your residency, until an impromptu dinner and beer after work leads you to tears in the middle of a restaurant. Luckily, your boss is also a wonderful and caring friend who gives you a tissue, listens to you babble, and shares in two more beers.

Maybe that scenario isn't as hypothetical as I would like to pretend. I have spent a lot of time wondering what would have changed if the circumstances had been different. What if I went up to someone and confided that I really needed to talk? What if I walked into the office and told them about Tracy and Nancy? What if I allowed myself to cry in front of someone earlier? But, the circumstances are not different. I handled it in a way that I did not expect. I am truly afraid that I have shut off people here who could've helped me (even though I cross my fingers with all my might that I haven't). Guess all I can do now is reach out and hope someone grabs ahold.

Come to find out, there is such a thing as being too stubborn.

American friends and family: No need to worry! I'll pull myself out of this funk, like I always do. There's even talk about me staying an extra couple weeks (more to come on that in a later edition after I've checked ye olde bank account).

Scottish friends: I might need to go out for drinks soon...

...bring antlers.