I hate whining.

I just turned in my completed and formatted first draft to my committee. My chair's had 2 rounds of everything, so this is a pretty solid draft all together. It's 9pm on a Monday night. I wish you were all here to celebrate, because right now, I just feel sad and lonely because I just completed this great big bad milestone and all Ada cares about is her rawhide and going out for her nightly pee. Tonight, I am reminded that I miss having a solid community around me. Tonight, I'm reminded why I didn't want to leave WV, and then later why I didn't want our 2nd year to end. I'm terrified for what happens next because if I'm not in school, I don't know how to have a community, and I'm so NOT okay NOT having a community. I hate whining. I hate whiners. I'm whining right now.
Love,
Cicely

No really...I'm still alive!!!

Wow...I straight up disappeared from Blogger-land!

I'm in the middle of moving to my new place in Omaha. Most of my stuff has been in boxes for 6 months, making every box an adventure!!! The memories I've unpacked have made me a bit reflective. Who knew a wooden egg could make you cry? Here's a wee peek into my brain:

I just finished directing Pride Players at The Rose in Omaha. 23 teens have been working together since October to devise skits and monologues that make up this show. On Sunday (our last show) the seniors started crying because it's their last Pride Players or their last show at The Rose. I didn't cry when I left high school. But considering the past year, I understand tearful closings. Sometimes an experience changes you so much that it literally rips you apart when you have to end it. Here's a brief list of Amanda's Tearful Closings 2009:

• by the lake after Directing final as I said goodbye to grad school
• in Amie's parking lot as I said goodbye to an incredible friend and her apartment that I spent so much time in
• in my parking lot as my parents took Fritz and I said goodbye to calling Orlando my home
• at the Orlando airport as it hit me that I was officially moving away from Cicely, Liz, Meredith and all my friends at The REP
• and finally at the Traverse Theatre as I said goodbye to my friends in Scotland and quietly feared that I may never see them again.

Less than a year and my life has changed so much. I wake up some mornings wishing I was in Orlando, other mornings wishing I was in Glasgow, and still other mornings knowing that I'm where I need to be. In Omaha, I'm surrounded by friends and family. But (being rather selfish) all I want is those friends who aren't here too. I need to stop moving because I'm done with goodbyes...but at the same time I'm still feeling restless. If I stop saying goodbye then I greatly cut down my hellos and I don't think I'm done with hellos yet! Besides, Orlando and Glasgow have now become my favorite vacation destinations!

Thesis... following Amie

My thesis breaks my heart. My whole objective is to (as best as the theories allow) objectively analyze the highly subjective ideas of art and young people to become more profitable so that we can in turn serve more young people with artistic experiences. My conclusions are not uplifting. I hate my thesis every other day. I'm excited and hopeful on the days I don't hate it. I'm angry with myself on the days I forget it exists for most of the day.

Like most TYA folks, I loved theatre first. The young people came later. I think my struggle with my thesis comes in large part because no matter how I've dressed myself up with education classes, teaching experience, and my love of the written word, I'm still a 'theatre' person. Meaning, in part, I'm a doer, and I expect to work tirelessly for a limited amount of time, like a few weeks, open the show, and close it. Done. Move on. Next project. Even higher education is much like the production schedule: get your syllabus, work at the content for a few months, produce a big project, and bye bye class. Never to be seen in the same incarnation again. The thesis is the class project that lingers on too long, the show that just keeps going long after you are over it. It's CATS. Just be done already.

I'm itching to do some theatre work. I'm longing for the feeling of a fresh start of a new semester. Sadly, I don't see any of that in my near future.

We are so fortunate to have one another for encouragement. The fact that we are ALL working regularly on our theses with all of the complications and difficulties the 3rd year has to offer makes us remarkable people with remarkable dedication to our studies and ultimately our field.

We are going to finish on time. All of us. OK? OK.

Love,
Cicely

thesis?

I loved my thesis yesterday....I hate it today...I really hope I at least like it tomorrow...

I really really don't want to fail and be the only one of us who doesn't get this done...

love, amie

Yesterday I wanted to quit my job ...

Today, this is why I love it:

-Heart to hearts with students (I think I'm finally starting to figure out that discipline is not always the real problem)

-Students getting excited about writing

-Students getting excited about Shakespeare

-Students giving themselves notes before I have to

-Feeling like notes are a group brainstorm instead of a dictatorship

-Convincing an administrator to make a guest appearance in the opening night performance of Anything Goes

-Parent meetings where I feel like an equal

-Being the sponsor of pot luck club (tonight's theme: Holiday ... as if I haven't eaten enough!)

and most of all ...

-Working in a school where I can tell my principal to "Man up" and instead of getting fired, we all have a good laugh. And my (adorable, old, and bighearted) assistant principal gives me a fist pound of approval.

How I wish my girls knew how often I think about them...

Let the love-fest continue...

OK so this whole being a grown-up thing stinks sometimes. And when all you want is some fried chicken on a beach, or Easter with friends, or a metacognative chat on the porch of the REP where you are reminded that others cry for no reason sometimes too... it is hard to focus on all the grown up things you have to do.

You three ladies are by far some some of the most intelligent, inspirational, creative, loving, supportive and sassy people I know and I can't believe it has taken me leaving Orlando to realize it. I should have said it more when we were in the same state but I find myself daily thinking....How would Amanda have taught that lesson? What would Cicely have used to describe this? Or what would Liz (Elizabeth I know....but in my thoughts I think Liz, so I am not going to lie) have thought about that situation? I didn't realize until this experience how much I truly value each and every opinion you all have (whether requested or not =) ) and I think this time apart has only reaffirmed how much I want to play with all of you in the future. I can't wait to see what AMAZING things we all do!

And now on to a Cicely style entry for your reading pleasure....What has Amie been doing for the past month!

- My OFFICIAL residency is over and the binder has been turned in! CHECK! I still have until the end of April with Metro but the paperwork part is over.

- I just finished a wonderful week long residency with a fifth grade that was self admittedly being torn apart by bullying. We worked, we challenged the students thinking and at the end of the residency I was attack-style group hugged by 3 of the 4 classes. One of the teachers cried in front of the class when we were closing about the difference the work has made in only a week and that she hopes the students hold onto the feelings have had throughout the week. Lets put it this way, at the beginning of the week when we defined oppression and the role of the rescuer I had a group for students question WHY we (USA) helped the Jews in the Holocaust because "It wasn't our business" and "They Nazi's didn't do anything to us" so clearly they saw no need to step in when some simple bullying was going on the their school. By the end of the week it was a whole different story.

- This week I will finish a residency at the Children's Home Society of St.Louis, working with 10 AMAZING young people who have been adopted out of traumatic homes as well as a therapist who make our work even more powerful!!!! We will begin again in January and I can't wait to see what happens next!

- We (Metro) will begin our New Work Incubator on December 3 and I am so stoked to see what these amazing people and guests (including Jose Cruz Gonzalez!!!!) will create!

- I got over my electronic fears and created a BLOG for Metro, so that we can document not onlt this process but future ones to come. You should follow us www.metrotheatercompany.blogspot.com

- I have written my intro and first chapter of my thesis and turned them in...I have a schedule in place that will hopefully allow me to make some progress and not continue to be a big 'ol slacker. I am still terrified but I have realized that I am more terrified that I won't graduate than I am about writing my thesis....Odd what will motivate you!

- I am about 9 and 1/2 months from becoming Mrs. Amie Elizabeth Dunn Kisling EKKKKKK and I have not even begun to plan...Other than all of you need to save SEPTEMBER 5th !!!! Day planners out....write it down.....I will wait.....did you do it?......I know you are laughing, but are you writing?

- I MISS YOU ALL LIKE CRAZY!!!! Anyone going to SETC so I can see you before May?

Ok I think that is it for now...I wish all of you a wonderful thanksgiving week and I hope you know how thankful I am for each and every one one of you!

Amie

How I wish people could hear me talk about them when they're not there ...

How I've always wished that. Because as awkward as I may be in your presence, and how tactless my efforts at compliments may come across, I am REALLY good at complimenting people when they are not in front of me to make me feel nervous/intimidated/awkward/self-conscious ...

I was at the thirty-year anniversary for my undergraduate program this weekend, and I started talking with a girl that interviewed with Amie to work at LCT the past couple of years. Amie and I have talked about this girl, and I know that Amie loves her, so I try to motivate her to keep pursuing her relationship with the theatre.

Anyway, I was in heaven talking to this girl, who happens to metacognate in spirals more naturally than any non-graduate student I think I've ever met. She's in the beautifully vulnerable and simultaneously exciting point in her life where she wants to do a million different things. As I was talking with her, these were some of the things that came up:

• "No, Amie would love to talk with you even if she doesn't work at LCT anymore. She's awesome like that."
• "Amie would LOVE to hear you talking this way. She's such a go-getter, and it's awesome that you're the same way."
• "I know, doesn't everyone at LCT love each other so much? At first I was a little weirded out when everything Amie said was so 'warm and fuzzy,' because I was so not like that, but she's softened me up so much, and I really needed that."
• "You want to work in London? Well, Amie's done that too! You need to keep in touch with her -- she is a great connection to have."

I left the conversation feeling rejuvenated and ready to hop on a plane with Cicely, pick Amie up, and then hop on another plane to Scotland so that we could all be together again. I realized I am luckyluckyluckyluckyLUCKY to know so many amazing people. Because had community-based work come up, I would have bragged just as much on Cicely. Had international connections come up, you know I would have bragged on Amanda!

Point is, you girls are sensational. As much as I suck at blogging, facebooking, calling, writing, and all things based in keeping in touch, know that this is not a November, turkey-induced thankfulness that I am feeling. I feel thankful for each one of you each and every day.